I'm F.I.N.E.

I learned a couple of hard lessons today.

One is to never take your pets for granted.

Another is that you should never underestimate how much you care about them.

I love you Midnight... You were my best friend for the last 10 months and I know sometimes you frustrated me but I always loved you. I'm going to miss you so much.

So... I've been thinking a lot lately. My thoughts have wondered all over the place. So I'm going to put some of them down here so I don't lose them.

The first thing I've been thinking about a lot is what we are biologically driven to do.

A lot of things that are considered moral issues can also be viewed as biological issues..

Vigilante justice for one... I think the reason people tend to act to stop criminals on their own rather than trust a flawed justice system to take care of is biological. If we remove criminals, people who have violated social contract in some way shape or form, we remove the risk that those criminals will target us next. Social contract is all about survival. The reason we agree not to do certain things and to be bound by laws is to protect ourselves from having the same things done to us. People who are willing to step out of those boundaries are a risk to all of us.

I've also been thinking about survival instinct itself... I've decided it is perhaps the most incredible aspect of intelligent design. I think it is something that was built into us, as creatures who are capable of logic and reasoning, as a means of convincing us to stick around long enough to learn the things we need to learn. We still have free will, because there are definitely people who go against survival instinct, but it is a choice that is presented to us with a large predisposition toward choosing to survive.

You see, survival instinct does not explain philanthropic pursuits... There is no reason to do anything more than abide by the laws while seeking to give yourself everything you can. There is no biological benefit to us to be selfless or giving or caring. Those are the things that tell me there is more to us than just biology.



Another thing I've contemplated is that almost everything we prohibit in social contract comes back to stealing in some way shape or form, or taking something that does not belong to you without the consent of the person that it does belong to. Be it the safety of another person, their body, their life, their possessions...


I know, this is really boring and I am a weirdo for contemplating these things but one thought creeps into my head and they just keep going til I reach enough interesting conclusions to let it go.

I hear music in my head all the time. Beautiful melodies and harmonies. I hear them, but I cannot make them real because the only instrument I ever played was the flute, and even that I never got good enough at to be able to put notes down on paper...

It's kind of depressing. I wish I'd learned how to play the piano or the guitar when I was younger.. I dunno if I'll ever get around to it now. As an adult it is so much harder to learn anything... but I wanna make my music real. I guess I regret not finding the time or pushing to learn those things.

I guess what bothers me the most is that both of my older cousins had lessons in pretty much whatever they wanted.. piano, guitar, bass, etc... They were both technically very good too.. and then they threw it away and never did anything with it.

I feel like I would have done something with it. Why does it seem like the world kind of orchestrates things that way... I mean, if my cousins had gone on to be musicians that would be one thing... if they'd taken what they'd been given and done something with it (and they had the talent) it would be much easier for me to take in stride... but they got something that I could have used and they didn't use it, while I was left wishing.

I wonder if they regret it. I wonder if they hear melodies and just don't care enough to put them to paper. I wonder if they will ever wish they had.


Why do we watch other people get the tools we need to make our dreams real, while they waste them?

It just sucks.

Apparently I'm a selfish person. Apparently whenever I do anything for my mother, my motivation is purely self serving. I never do anything to be a nice person. I took care of my cousins kids for a month and a half because I'm selfish. (I've not yet figured out exactly what I got out of it, but surely there must have been something in it for me beyond lots of headaches and unneccesary expenses), I babysit for my mom only when its convenient for me (I've yet to figure out when exactly it is convenient for me to babysit for my mother but apparently she knows that my convenience is my only concern when I crawl into her uncomfortable roll-out bed in her living room rather than snuggle in the comfort of my air mattress in the privacy of my bedroom in order to watch her children at fuck me its so friggin early in the morning so she can go to her doctors appointments for this mysterious illness that suddenly took hold as soon as I got to texas.)

Apparently I'm just like my selfish bitch aunt, who only thinks of what's in it for her. Beyond watching my dog twice I can't figure out what the hell I've asked my mother for. Yeah, she gave me her hand me down furniture and washer and dryer (which she was going to put in the trash and OFFERED me, I didn't ask for it) and she helped me move into my new apartment (which wouldn't have been nearly as difficult if I hadn't had two children that weren't mine in tow at the time, or the furniture she gave me)


She was also kind enough to babysit the kids that weren't mine on a couple of occasions. Did I mention she is the one who asked if I would be willing to take care of them in the first place? Not that I had to or anything, but ya know, it was a nice thing to do... But then again, I'm a selfish bitch so I don't do nice things.


Of course, I also came down here right after my second semester of college let out, dropped everything on the spot because she needed me RIGHT THAT MOMENT, sat in an airport all fucking night to catch a flight on standby to save her money, and flew down to texas. I told her before she even flew me down that I needed to be back two and a half weeks later for a concert. But when I got back, I packed all my shit and drove down to texas. It isn't my fucking fault she gave birth the day before I got there and had to have a friend watch her kids. Just like it isn't my fault that three nights ago, when my sister had a complete breakdown because our mother is a hardass bitch who yells and screams and says hurtful things whenever we don't do exactly what she wants, I had no ability to stay at her house to watch her children. I offered to take them back to my house with me, but that wasn't good enough. And apparently, because I wouldn't do things exactly the way she wanted me to, I'm a selfish bitch.


She would have had to have a friend watch her kids if I hadn't been in Texas. She would have had to have a friend watch her kids if I had been gone. What if my husband were on r and r? Would she have expected me to watch her kids then? Can she blame me for not doing it when I move back out of state? If not, living far away from her is sounding better and better. I like being able to see my siblings, but its not worth being expected to be at her beck and call everytime she needs a babysitter. If that is why I was put on this earth, to be my mother's on-call babysitter unallowed to have my own life because it might interfere with her self-inflicted emergencies, then god help me I'm not sure I wanna be here.


I'm sure I went out of my way stopping by the shoppette on her request when I was beyond fucking exhausted to get her dish soap and bring it to her house because it suited my convenience.

Because everything I do I do for me, right? Right???




Fuck you, mom.

The next time you talk to me, it had better be to apologize for being a shitty mother and walking all over your children because if its for anything else, you'll a taste of your own medicine when I hang up on you.

So.. today marks 200 days since I've seen my husband anywhere other than on a computer screen. 200 days since he hugged me.. kissed me.. or did anything else remotely fun with me that didn't involve text based communication and webcams.

It's been a long 200 days. I miss him like hell. I see where this deployment has helped our relationship, and it has... but it has also hurt like hell. I think we'd have been fine without it, though I do believe more firmly now that absence does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. Seriously though, two or three months would have been more than enough. We have reached the point where we aren't really reaping anymore benefits from the constant stream of nothing but communication. There *is* such a thing as having too much time to talk and no ability to do anything else. I'd say we'd have been at this point a lot sooner if I had left Alaska sooner, too... I think the change in scenery and environment has done a lot to improve my mood, which has done a lot to improve the quality of our communication... but there is still that issue of quantity. I'm honestly sick of doing nothing other than talking. I want him here. I know it is hard to believe coming from me, the worlds biggest chatterbox, but I would give anything for sitting in silence and enjoying each others company... just snuggling and watching a movie or something. Seriously, all I want is to be held... and yeah, my friends have definitely been quite generous with their affection in an attempt to make me feel better and oh god do I appreciate it but nothing is quite the same as the way he holds me. My whole world feels right when he holds me. I feel safe and cared for and like I am right where I belong and I fucking miss that.

So... 200 days down and hopefully only about 165 more to go, assuming the bastards in DC dont decide I can live without him for an extra three months. Maybe if they actually valued their spouses, rather than having their perfect media wife and five mistresses on the side who satisfied their other needs, they'd understand how hard it is to live without that one person who completes you. Maybe then they wouldn't be so fine with the idea of making me do it for so long.. but they're heartless greedy power hungry pieces of shit so of course they don't get it.


But, I also started a new torture today, which may take my mind off of the next 5.5 months or so of missing him... I went to the gym... and now I am sore in places I didn't know existed. I am proud of myself.. I am also glad there is someone who will kick my ass and make me do it because God knows I really want to, I just don't have the self-motivation to work myself to the point of exhaustion three days a week. My job is to get myself to the gym.. and thankfully once I get there, I am following orders and being pushed... I don't have to think about it once I get there. I just have to do what I am told.

On that note, does anyone know what can be done when your legs are too sore to move? Seriously, trying to lift them up they feel like weak puddles of jello.. is that normal?

I will not let them drive me insane.

I will not bite the insides of my cheeks because of the sheer frustration.

I will try to be nicer to them and try to understand that they are going through as difficult a time as I am, if not moreso.

I will hold them, instead of yelling at them, when they cry for no apparent reason.

I will let them have that brownie, even when they whine at me that they want a spoon to eat it (but I won't give them the spoon.. I just wont take away the brownie)

I still won't give them anything they whine for... but rather than getting upset at the whining, I'll remind them to ask nicely.

I won't scream.

I won't want to cry because it's all too much to deal with.

I will try to see the world through their eyes.



If I accomplish even half of these things, tomorrow will be a much better day than today. How sad is that?

So.. a policy change has taken place since the last time I was at Ft. Hood. Now, whenever you enter the gate, the security guard who checks your ID says, "welcome to the great place."


Which is stupid. "Welcome to Fort Hood," would make sense. "Welcome to the largest military installation in North America" while a mouthful, would also make sense (It is double-speak for the largest amount of bullshit bureaucracy and idiotic policy making per square mile on the face of this earth).. but, "The great place"?

Nothing about this place is great. This would be the last place I'd ever pick to live if I didnt need to be both near family and near a military base. Well.. the last place other than Fairbanks Alaska... But, still.. I just think that its stupid.


Whichever general decided to make them say that.. for future reference.. you're a moron. This place isn't great. It is a self-contained breeding ground for depression populated by about 40% children, 35% soldiers, 5% lonely, depressed women, another 5% of women who are happily existing with their husbands still here, and 20% tag chasing whores who will take every cent that their husbands make while they are deployed to some god-forsaken warzone and disappear.

Welcome to the great place my ass.

Moving is exhausting.

I dropped my car off to be shipped yesterday.. leaving me with no vehicle for a whopping three days here in Alaska.

Which doesn't seem so bad, right? I mean.. three days isnt long.. theoretically I should have been fine and not really needed to go anywhere for three days, right?

Wrong. My puppy picked yesterday to destroy the sound cord for my computer. Unfortunately, sound is pretty much necessary for me right now since I voice chat with my husband and use it for ventrillo for my WoW raids.

I also needed paper towels, because I was out and the puppy unfortunately does not stop making messes just because I am out of paper towels and have no car.

I also needed some more tape to tape up the box I've gotta ship right before I leave...

I *also* didn't need, but wanted, puppy shampoo to give the little monster a bath before we leave.

So.. there were a few things worth making the thirty minute trek in the snow to the grocery store for. Not too bad, right? Well.. it was also STILL snowing. The wind was also ridiculous.. and, to top it all off, this isnt just snow.. its negative temperatures.. it's hypothermic conditions, under the right circumstances...


So when I got to the grocery store I went ahead and asked about bus routes and found out I could catch one right across the street for $1.75 that would put me about two blocks from my apartment, a five to ten minute walk at most, as opposed to thirty... I decided it was worth it.

I hadn't been on anchorage city buses before, though I heard Anchorage had a pretty good public transportation system (a few colleges + weather that makes walking to most places a little more difficult than your average city kind of makes it necessary)

I will say this.. the bus was neither scary, nor smelly... which is much better than any experience I'd had in Cincinnati (about the only other place where I'd ever used public transportation, with exception to school buses and two subway trips in Washington DC, which is a completely different story for another time)

So... Anchorage Public Transportation FOR THE WIN!

Oh.. and if anyone in the city department that governs the roadways is listening, the crosswalk across northern lights on the side that turns into benson nearest the bus stop is broken. Just thought you should know.



This experience has been brought to you by me moving and my car having to leave three days before me.

- Rosa

So a lot of people have asked me what I think about living in Alaska. It is a hard question to answer briefly, so for those of you who chose the, "long answer," here goes.

Pros:

Shopping in the winter is a pain, but if you want to shop for a whole month during the coldest part of the winter (so you don't have to leave the house, duh!) and you don't have a big enough fridge/freezer for a month of food, you can always throw whatever can be safely frozen into a big cooler outside.

In Anchorage, the mountains are gorgeous, year round. In fact, so are the ones in Denali.

In the summer, you can go to Denali.. and it is seriously one of the most gorgeous places you'll ever see.

You can also go to Seward, which, much like Denali, is gorgeous. It's a little more expensive, but...


Tell me getting to take a picture like that doesn't make it worth it.


There are electrical outlets EVERYWHERE you go. (I'll explain why in a second). Meaning if you are out and your cell phone, laptop, or other rechargeable electric device is dead, you can charge it.

There are a few "fun" things to do during the winter. I'll let you know when I get around to bundling up enough to go do one.

Sled dogs are cool. And cute.

I live 10 minutes from the, "North Pole."

I could theoretically have a pet reindeer here.

I can see the Aurora Borealis occasionally, on a clear night.




Cons:

It's fucking cold.

A lot of the housing you can rent here won't allow you to have pets (so no pet reindeer for me :( So sad.) If they will, it's probably too expensive to afford.

Fairbanks has no mall. Well.. they have something they call a mall.. but there are STRIP MALLS back home that are bigger. Anchorage is a little better, they have two fairly large malls.. but that is six hours away in the summer, and more like 12 during the winter, and dangerous to drive.

Unlike most states in the lower 48 (that's what we call you folks in the continental United States.. because yes, you're below us :P) you can't get into a club or a bar until you are 21 or over. If you're old, it doesn't matter.. but even if you're 21, if you have 20, 19, or 18 year old friends, it sucks. And if you're like my husband, and over 21, but married to someone younger than 21.. it sucks some more. And if you're like me, and not turning 21 for another 11 days (yeah, that's right, my birthday is coming up) it bites pretty bad too. And I am pretty bummed that my 18 year old friend won't be able to come be my designated driver on my 21st birthday too. It is the lamest thing ever.

Did I mention it is really fucking cold here? I think I did, but allow me to explain a little better. When you think cold, you're probably not thinking about the -60 cold in Fairbanks, or the -20 in Anchorage. That is about as bad as it gets, and it's not that year round, or even for huge chunks of the time.. but seriously, three days of -60 weather is pretty bad. And -50 isn't much better, nor is -40, -30, or -20. Honestly, once you start getting into the negatives, it all pretty much sucks.

I have to plug in my car so it won't freeze overnight, or while I am at work, (that is why there are electrical outlets all over) and when it is cold enough that you have to do that, the extra 5 minutes spent outside is really quite painful.

If you don't wear the proper winter gear, you can get contact frostbite just from touching things that have been outdoors for a significant period of time. You can even get hurt through your clothing if you lean against something that cold long enough.

You drive on snow. And I don't mean nice, soft, powdery snow. I mean snow that has been hard-packed into something about as slippery as ice. Granted, they salt it and throw down tons and tons of sand to give you traction.. but it is still VERY easy to end up in a ditch.

Everything is more expensive here. I mean EVERYTHING. It is incredibly expensive to ship to Alaska, and the cost, of course, gets passed on to the consumer. So I pay more for groceries, clothing, furniture, other household goods, and services than anyone in the lower 48 would.




So there are the pros and cons.. here we go with the interesting thoughts.


Everyone asks me what I think of Sarah Palin now, because I'm in Alaska, and she is our governor. So since you asked, here you go. I think she is a nimrod. She is to Alaska what George Bush is to Texas, an embarrassment. The idea of her being one heartbeat from the presidency scares me shitless. If you say, "but she is a woman, shouldn't you be rooting for the one who is going to further the feminist agenda?" expect me to smack you. If you think I should choose the next leader of my country, and the next person in control of my husband's fate, based on sex, race, religion, or any other unimportant characteristic, you obviously do not know me at all.


We have a lot of specialty clothing stores up here. They cater to the unique needs of Alaskan residents. My boots are rated to -40 degrees Fahrenheit.. I could get them rated lower, but if it is below -40, I'm probably going to avoid leaving the house anyway. They do keep my feet toasty warm, and the other winter gear I have does a good job of keeping my body warm. The only problem is that it takes forever to layer and bundle up enough to leave the house when it gets really cold.. which is why I became a World of Warcraft addict.


If you're coming to Alaska, bring a nice camera. I mean it. You'll hate yourself if you don't.


I've never seen a polar bear. I probably never will.. If I do, I will let you all know, though, I am sure. I'll probably take a picture and send it to everyone I know.

No, it isn't dark 24/7 in the winter, or light 24/7 in the summer. It's really really close at some points, but there is always sunshine, if only for an hour or two, in the winter, and there is always a dusky/dark period of time in the summer. I guess there is a place further north where it is actually completely dark/completely light during parts of the year, but Fairbanks is the northernmost "city," (as opposed to a town, village, etc) and we don't quite have that extreme.

I can carry a concealed weapon in Alaska. I can carry it anywhere I want, pretty much, and I don't need a license for it. I am not sure what I think of this, which is why it is neither in the pros section nor the cons section.





I guess if I had to sum up my opinion of Alaska in one sentence, the old saying, "It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there," captures my feelings fairly well. I could deal with Anchorage, but I've been in Fairbanks for most of the time I've been here and it's a little on the dull side. I could see myself in Anchorage because it is way more beautiful, way less remote, and it doesn't get anywhere near as cold. They call this place "squarebanks" for a reason though.

So.. if you know me well.. and some of you do, but some of you don't.. you know I don't really make a big deal out of carrying a purse, having a nice purse, keeping track of my purse etc.

Most of the time I don't even have one.

A messenger bag, maybe.. it's gotta be able to fit a book, my keys (they're fairly bulky), the various assorted things I may acquire throughout the day (including whatever I might pick up at the grocery store at the last minute) my identification etc... All the usual stuff, and then some.


Definitely not one of the glam girls who has to have the designer Doone and Burke bags, or whatever.


Anyway, that is what makes this so weird.

You see, it's becoming fairly common to see army wives in this town carrying around purses made of ACUs (Army Combat Uniforms.. the new digital ones). They actually look kind of cool.. and they match your husband, in a very "hooah" army wife way.
- insert rant -
By the way, I can say "hooah"... if you're a politician, or someone who has never been a soldier/lived with a soldier for a significant, constant period of time, please DON'T EVER SAY HOOAH! You won't pronounce it correctly, I'll cringe, and everyone around you affiliated with the military WILL want to smack you. This lesson provided courtesy of Sarah Palin, who thought it would be cute to try to incorporate that into her speech at my husband's deployment ceremony.
- end rant -

So.. moving on.. I saw this purse. I kind of liked it. It's practical, durable and.. I can't believe I am saying this.. I actually think it's kind of cute.

This is the gist of it.



So if I am going to do a custom made purse, I'm going to do it right. It took me four months to get around to it... Finding the number of someone who can make one, getting my husband to relinquish a pair of his ACUs, and actually knowing I had to money to afford having it made the way I want it really did take that long.


The thing is, the typical styles don't work so well for me.

I like my messenger bags. I would like a purse I can throw my school books, or laptop, or whatever I need to carry into. So it needs to be big, and it needs to have one very strong strap...

I also want it to actually mean something. So it has to be ACUs that my husband wore before he left.. and they can't be washed, at least not until the purse has gotten completely trashed by the hell that I put my things through.

The other thing is that I needed the right liner material. I found it, pink and green camouflage.. I promise, it actually looks kinda cool.

Finally, the embellishments had to be perfect. These purses get your name, your husband's rank, the unit and combat patches, and the U.S. Army patch as well as one that says "Army Wife" if you want one. I wanted pockets on all sides, and one on my strap as well... I also wanted yellow ribbons on the purse (for obvious reasons) and I saw a purse that had a black rose on it, that I really liked.. but I decided that I didn't want a black rose on my purse because it is a bit morbid for a bag I am wearing made of my husband's uniforms. So I decided I wanted yellow.. and to go with it, yellow embroidery on the strap.

The thing is, no one around here carries yellow flowers.. so I had to go out and buy a pink iron on/embroidered flower applique, bleach it, then dye it yellow. It actually turned out really well.


So.. thus far, with all of the liner material, the embellishments, the ACU, and the actual cost of having the purse made... We're looking at a $200 bag here..


The bright side to this is that it is entirely personalized to my needs and wants.

The downside to this... well.. I am paying $200 for a purse.


All I can say is that I really need to get used to carrying one on a daily basis..

So, it's official. The army has torn my heart out and shipped it to Iraq. I'm a wreck (well, occasionally I'm okay.. but mostly a wreck) and I don't really know what to do with myself, but I am helping a friend whose husband left on the same flight as mine move out of her apartment.

I was hunting down something I'd written to my husband before we got married. We were having a long-distance relationship, and it was literally a month and a day before we got married that I sent this to him.

The creepy part is that my husband left on the 19th, two days ago.

When I looked at the date that I sent him this, it was September 19, 2007. Exactly one year before he deployed, to the day.

Tell me this doesn't seem weird that I wrote this exactly one year before he left, when we didn't even know he'd be deploying until about four or five months ago, and we didn't have a date until the day before he left.

Wake me before you go
I want to memorize your face
Even though I know I'll never forget
I want to see it just in case
Wake me when you wake
To kiss me goodbye
And as I hope its not the last time
I'll try hard not to cry

And when you walk away
I know my heart will break
One part a piece for me to keep
The other for you to take
I'll watch the sky all night and day
Knowing yours looks just alike
But the day that you come back
It will seem all the more bright

Though I know not now
How I'll pass the many days
I'll find comfort in the knowledge
That I am yours always
No amount of time or space
That is keeping us apart
Will ever dim the love I hold
For you inside my heart



Of course, I never imagined how bad it really would hurt. I've come to realize that my dread of watching him walk away was completely justified. It was the hardest moment of my life, and I've definitely had some hard ones to compare it to.


I'm trying to get a job over there. Unfortunately KBR is difficult to get on with. I just don't think a year of not being able to see him is going to work for me.

It makes me feel better that the only people who don't seem supportive are the ones who don't know me. My husband and everyone who knows me well seems to think it is a good idea.

I just wish it didn't hurt so bad.

Simple math here, folks, right? I'm grouchy, he's acting stupid, so it gets ugly.


Clarification... I was talking on the phone with my husband, who is still in California. He's coming home in two days, though, and I've been cleaning incessantly (it's a habit of mine), and mostly torturing myself about how to get the house ready for him.... add to that the month without intimacy in any form, and you have yourself one grouchy woman. Unfortunately, since he's about the only person I am speaking with these days (it seems all my friends have fallen off the face of the earth) he's also the only person to get frustrated with.

Enter stupid conversation about sexism.

My husband can be an ass at times.. but then, I've never met a man who wasn't an ass on occasion... so I can forgive him that. What I can't seem to get past is how STUPID he is about it...

We were having this conversation about EMT/Paramedic etc and I am really nervous about my exam and mentioned how much it would suck to have to take it more than once... he launches into this whole "wouldn't failing once kinda just shatter your confidence in your abilities? Why bother taking it a second time when you're always going to be second guessing yourself. If you fail, maybe you should move on to something else"

At this point I share with him the fact that I took my firefighter exam twice... and that it had nothing to do with competence, and largely to do with A) nerves and B) an unfair lack of preparation by my instructor who seemed to prefer picking the guys in the class for the "practical" stuff as opposed to myself and the one other woman taking the class. I missed out on a whole lot of "hands-on" learning because of this.. and that's how I learn. Better yet, after spending another week preparing for the test, and not psyching myself out so much.. I got the highest score in the class on my second try.

Then he launches in on this whole "stop your whining about unfair treatment, I am sick of hearing women whine because they think they're not getting fair treatment because they are women, you should just play to your strengths."

Now here is what I am thinking.. What ARE my strengths supposed to be? Cleaning house and taking care of kids? Yeah, I am good at those things... but you know what, I was also a damn good firefighter and didn't deserve half the shit I took just because I WAS A WOMAN doing what is historically a man's job. Historically women weren't considered competent enough to attend college or vote... so let's just ditch the rest of these ideas about what women can and can't do.

I just hate it when people try to tell me there ISN'T any discrimination going on here. A couple instances in particular stick out in my mind.. Both of them are open to some interpretation, I admit, but given that I've had openly slanderous remarks made on-scene about the fact that I am a woman, I don't believe my interpretation of these two incidents is inaccurate.


The first situation involved my instructor. To be a firefighter, you have to be able to don full turnout (that's the stuff we wear to protect us from the environment present in a burning building) in under 90 seconds. This means pants, boots, jacket, protective head covering, SCBA, gloves, and helmet... and trust me, it's not cake to put all of it on. Two or three people in our class of 11 or 12 had completed this task about halfway through. It had to be done to pass the class, and I was all for getting it out of the way... so I came down to the station on a night I had free and worked with a classmate on it until I got it down. When my instructor found out, he was, admittedly, very happy I had done it... but what happened next is what bugged me...

He was probably trying to be nice, make me feel good, whatever.. but what he said did just the opposite. He essentially told the members of the class that had not yet made it in time that they should be ashamed of themselves because if I did it, there was no reason they shouldn't be able to... the way he said it seemed to be essentially implying that he expected I'd be the last to get it. Tell me that's not fucked up.

The second situation occurred after I had my certification. I had been having some car trouble, and went to auto zone for the parts I needed to get my car fixed. Now... I was a poor college student at the time, and part of the reason I even used auto zone is because of their firefighter discount. When I went into the store and asked about the discount, the sales guy said "yes, but it only applies to firefighters, cops, and military.. not paramedics and EMTs." I told him I was a firefighter, at which point he asked for proof.. and the look of surprise on his face when I provided my ID and fire card was enough to make me want to smack him. Why the hell would any civil person assume that a woman can only be an EMT or a paramedic??

Almost as upsetting is the underlying fact that emt's don't get the discount.. how sick is that? Let's look at this.. in most volunteer departments, true medical emergencies occur far more often than an actual structure fire... The department I was in got maybe one fully involved building fire a year...

Why is it that the person who might respond to one real fire a year, and may POSSIBLY go into said fire should get any more respect than the person who exposes themselves to things like HIV, Hepatitis, and many other communicable and blood borne diseases on a regular basis?


That's another subject I suppose....


But seriously, if you don't think being a woman and trying to have a decent career is difficult... you're obviously NOT a woman.

Forgive me because this is a little more outwardly directed than my usual entries. It's also probably going to insult you if you fit the description in the heading. So if you don't feel you can take the criticism... please fuck off, because I'm not in a great place right now and while you may not be a completely horrible person, I'm a little pissed at you right now anyway.


First of all... quite a few soldiers who go over there believing in what they are doing come back completely bitter and angry... and to go along with that, they also come back with post-traumatic stress disorder, brain injuries, battle scars of all shapes and sizes and some of them are even unfortunate enough to come back in body bags.

For those that don't survive... it's probably actually not so bad for them. Either they don't care cause they don't exist, or they're probably in a better place. However, there are men and women in the same position as me grieving for the loss of these people... I don't particularly care to be one of them, because honestly I'm not sure I could survive a loss of that magnitude...

For those of you who DON'T know, I'm married to a soldier. I love him... He is a part of me. He is half of my soul... probably more than half of my heart... and yeah, we have our moments that I don't particularly care to be around him, but regardless, I want him alive, close enough to hug kiss and snuggle with, and most of all, happy and healthy.

This whole thing in Iraq is sort of at odds with that. You might be wondering what triggered this need to state my feelings... so I'll tell you. Last night my husband left to spend a month in California training to go to Iraq. After he comes back, we have a month and a half... then he goes to Iraq for at least a year. If this whole conflict continues, God only knows how many times I will have to go through this same cycle. In the meantime, we will be spending the first anniversary of our marriage on opposite sides of the world. The same goes for my 21st birthday... along with thanksgiving (hopefully I'll be able to say that I am thankful my husband is still alive), Christmas and New Years... pretty much all those times most people want to be safe at home with their family. I'll be able to send him letters... and vice versa... hopefully we'll be able to talk on the internet, and probably on the phone too... Thankfully we don't have kids yet, so I won't have to go through what so many do just yet... trying to teach my children who their father is through pictures and phone calls and a webcam.. I hate that it may someday come to that for us, though...

If you AREN'T the spouse of a soldier, and you do support this war... do you think YOU would be able to deal with that, sacrifice those things, watch your children grow up with one of their parents gone half the time, and face the fact that it could very turn into a lifelong sacrifice? I hope to God you would, since you're obviously perfectly okay with me having to deal with it.

I understand that I am thinking selfishly. In general, I'm not a selfish person, and if I truly believed that we were making progress in Iraq, or that what we were doing was worth it... I think I'd be a little more okay with all of this. I don't, though. Regardless, if the colonial settlers could fight for their own freedom... why the fuck can't the Iraqi people stand up for themselves without us fighting their battles for them? I wouldn't even have a problem with us HELPING them, if they would just get their shit together and act like they want it.... like they don't resent us being there.


I just want my husband here with me. I don't want to cry myself to sleep tonight, even though there is no doubt that is what I am going to be doing. I don't want to hear a song he likes come on the radio and think about the fact that I won't be seeing him for a month... and the fact that after that he will be leaving for at least a year...


Just admit you were wrong. Admit we're not making the progress we should be making there. I'm not saying we should withdraw all the troops right now and leave the country in chaos... I'm saying we need to drop this, "as long as it takes," bullshit, and begin to force the Iraqi government to take over it's own defense. Stop making me sacrifice pieces of my life... Stop making everyone connected to the military sacrifice pieces of their lives... I realize it's nothing compared to what the Iraqi people go through on a regular basis... but isn't that something they've sort of created for themselves with their complacency for a corrupt government, followed by their lack of willingness to begin to step up to the challenge of defending themselves?? I would never say they deserved to live under the reign of Saddam Hussein.. and I'd never say they deserve to live in a country as chaotic as the one they live in now... but do they not have any responsibility for the stability and quality of life in their own country? Why is it my husband's responsibility to fight for them? Why is it my responsibility to suffer for their freedom?


Think about it.

I guess it's a little bit... uhm... religious for my tastes... but that doesn't necessarily change the meaning.

The Military Wife

The good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared. She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What's the matter with the standard model?"

The Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order? She has to be completely independent, posses the qualities of both father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she's pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move 10 times in 17 years. And oh, yes, she must have six pairs of hands."

The angel shook her head. "Six pairs of hands? No way!"

The Lord continued, "Don't worry, we shall make other military wives to help her. And we will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it's over-worked and tired, and be large enough to say 'I understand,' when she does not, and say 'I love you,' regardless."

The angel circled the model of the military wife, looked at it closely and sighed, "It looks fine, but it's too soft."

"She might look soft," replied the Lord, "but she has the strength of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure."

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak," she announced. "Something is wrong with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model."

The Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of confidence. What you see is not a leak," he said. "It's a tear."

"A tear? What is it there for?" asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear."

"You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel.

The Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."

Back to journaling on a (semi) regular basis.. Fun stuff.

Okay... so in our last episode, I was upset at my husband over some colossal argument we had in which nasty things were said, feelings were hurt... you know, the usual stuff. We made up, things are back to normal between us, which... well, isn't great, but it ain't bad either. I guess it's the little moments that keep me sure that things are as they should be... like the way he kisses me before he goes to work.. and vice verse. Or the way when I get home stressed and tired from work and see that the house is in the same condition (if not worse) as when I left.. he scrambles to try to get things tidied up a little so I don't turn into a nervous wreck (something about being too exhausted to clean and too OCD to leave things the way they are doesn't work too well).

Wait, first I should tell you.. I just got a job recently. It is on Ft. Wainwright so I had to go through a TON of paperwork and background checks and everything else under the sun... because I am working with teenagers and.. well let's just say the Army doesn't fuck around when it comes to it's kids. This is a reassuring fact for me... I mean, hubby plans on being a lifer, and we both want kids... so knowing how much one has to go through in order to be employed in one of the Army's child and youth programs makes me fairly confident that they are a safe place to leave your children. Anyway, this particular job involves working with teenagers. Cool beans, right? I'm 20, so it's not like it's a challenge to remember back that far, ya know? The problem is that the job is so easy, I am looking for ways to make it more challenging.. without meaning to. So.. I'm going to be organizing the art area. It's a huge undertaking.. like it's probably going to take an entire shift to get all the cabinets organized, and another shift to inventory everything. So here I am taking on significantly more work than I have to in the first place. I am only working in the youth center like 22-24 hours a week, though, right? Well.. since I am fairly new, I also have a ton of training to go through.. including, and this is laughable since I went through firefighter training and EMT school... fire safety, first aid, and CPR. There are a few other things.. all of them are going to be fairly repetitive for me, based on past jobs I've had.

This wouldn't be so bad. I mean, I can work five 8 hour days a week, gladly... and this isn't even that much, only bumps my hours up to like 32 hours during the worst week.. that's nothing compared to some jobs I've had in the past.

The thing is, all of my shifts at the youth center are 4-5 hours long. I'm usually working a four hour shift somewhere between 1600 and 2200. I get two days off each week from the youth center. Well... Sunday is always one of those days, because we're closed... and they don't do training on Sundays either... but all of this month my other day off during the week is going to be taken up by training.. which means I'll be working at least 4-5 hours SIX DAYS A WEEK!! It's 20 minutes to half an hour to get to work every day... Some of the days I have training in the morning AND an evening shift, with six hours between... gas prices are through the roof, and it's a huge drain on time I'm NOT getting paid for... If I were single, this might not be such a big deal... but I am married, and trying to spend time with my husband since he is getting deployed in six months... and I have to find time to cook and clean somewhere in the mix too.

I think I am going to lose my fucking mind before this is over. I think it's going to be a fun job once this initial period of hell is over.. but I don't know if I can make it through this without going crazy.

I miss the days when my "real problems" revolved around trying to manage getting to and from all my extra-curricular activities, or trying to get financial aid for college...

I'm living in Alaska with my husband. I am about to have a new job. At the moment I am hurting and could probably say a lot of things that I know in a day or two probably won't be an accurate picture of the way I feel.. but I figure it's sort of pointless to put anything ugly out there. Mostly I just need to write SOMETHING down right now to feel better. I don't believe how far the last year of my life has taken me from the place I used to consider home. I don't yet know if I can consider this place home either, even though it is definitely where I've got what I think I need to make it home. I miss my friends and family, and I just hope there is a point to having given up what I have. Did I make a mistake? I doubt it.. but that doesn't keep the question from creeping into my mind like.. every day. Alaska is an oppressive place. There isn't much to do here to take my mind off of the hard questions in life.

I guess here it is.. if you consider yourself my friend, and you have some insight into these questions.. please, answer them. Send me an e-mail.. kaleighkat at gmail dot com... or a message on yahoo under lilmissr0se.

How do you make a marriage continue to work? How does one actually know the person they are with is someone they can truly last a lifetime (or beyond) with? How can you get past the fights and the nasty things that are said in them without still resenting the person for saying what they did?


And here are a couple for the people who have had to deal with long periods of separation from their spouses...

How do you deal with every day leading up to your spouse leaving and feeling like it is a death sentence being imposed upon you? How do you cope with the knowledge that the person you love might not be coming back? How do you manage to keep your hopes and spirits up, or take your mind off of what is coming? What can you do to relieve the stress of being in a relationship when you constantly have this countdown clock in your head of when they are leaving and how long it will be until (you hope) they are coming back?


These are probably questions best answered by someone who has been a military spouse. I don't know if any of the people who would see this have been in this kind of situation.. but still.. any help would be appreciated.

I just hate this sick feeling... especially when we get into arguments. I feel like it's such a waste of the precious little amount of time we have with each other.

I just finished a 10 hour drive. It was long and painful. I have another 5-8 hours tomorrow, but it will be easy in comparison. I'm sort of proud of myself. This is the longest I have ever driven alone.. Usually I have a passenger to keep me alert.

I'll be in Texas tomorrow, and starting a new little piece of my life. Wish me luck.

That was the room he lived.. and died... in.

Yesterday I went in with two other friends so that we could each get something of his to keep with us. His parents went in last Friday and got everything they wanted/needed.

I took a t-shirt from his laundry.. and a lab notebook.

I also pulled the piece of paper on his ceiling that said, "gullible," off and stuck it in the back of the notebook.

He didn't put it there. I did make him add a missing, "l," though. It was a running joke between us.

I've had an easier time dealing with this than I thought I would. It almost makes me feel guilty. Yet, at the same time, knowing the kind of guy he was, I know he'd rather I laugh than smile.

I realize I started this journal to heal. I wrote in it more toward the beginning than I have the last few months.. but I think I need it again.

I have to wonder if life is always this kind of cycle... Will it always be that, just as old wounds close up and scar over, new ones will be made?



The ceiling of Mills 113 no longer has the word gullible written on it.

I'm having a hard time deciding what I think about that.

The last decade has been one catastrophe after another. I don't know if I can handle much more of this.

Everyone says I am strong.. if that's true, then why do I fall apart like this?


One of my best friends on campus killed himself yesterday. It's got me thinking about things I really don't want to think about. You know, I think the reason I stopped believing in God is because it's easier to not believe than to be angry all the time.

I had such a close relationship with this person. Every memory feels like a knife being shoved through my heart, so deep it comes out my back, and then twisted until I bleed and become weak... but there is never the mercy of death. It just keeps hurting.

I might not be around for a little while. If I'm not, don't worry... I am keeping my wits about me. I don't plan on doing anything stupid, because I know that this, too, shall pass. It always does.

It never heals completely, but I can live with the scars and the holes in my heart as long as life still smiles on me from time to time. I am blessed, even if I feel cursed sometimes.