lessons learned

I learned a couple of hard lessons today.

One is to never take your pets for granted.

Another is that you should never underestimate how much you care about them.

I love you Midnight... You were my best friend for the last 10 months and I know sometimes you frustrated me but I always loved you. I'm going to miss you so much.
  • Current Music
    too much quiet

Random thoughts

So... I've been thinking a lot lately. My thoughts have wondered all over the place. So I'm going to put some of them down here so I don't lose them.

The first thing I've been thinking about a lot is what we are biologically driven to do.

A lot of things that are considered moral issues can also be viewed as biological issues..

Vigilante justice for one... I think the reason people tend to act to stop criminals on their own rather than trust a flawed justice system to take care of is biological. If we remove criminals, people who have violated social contract in some way shape or form, we remove the risk that those criminals will target us next. Social contract is all about survival. The reason we agree not to do certain things and to be bound by laws is to protect ourselves from having the same things done to us. People who are willing to step out of those boundaries are a risk to all of us.

I've also been thinking about survival instinct itself... I've decided it is perhaps the most incredible aspect of intelligent design. I think it is something that was built into us, as creatures who are capable of logic and reasoning, as a means of convincing us to stick around long enough to learn the things we need to learn. We still have free will, because there are definitely people who go against survival instinct, but it is a choice that is presented to us with a large predisposition toward choosing to survive.

You see, survival instinct does not explain philanthropic pursuits... There is no reason to do anything more than abide by the laws while seeking to give yourself everything you can. There is no biological benefit to us to be selfless or giving or caring. Those are the things that tell me there is more to us than just biology.



Another thing I've contemplated is that almost everything we prohibit in social contract comes back to stealing in some way shape or form, or taking something that does not belong to you without the consent of the person that it does belong to. Be it the safety of another person, their body, their life, their possessions...


I know, this is really boring and I am a weirdo for contemplating these things but one thought creeps into my head and they just keep going til I reach enough interesting conclusions to let it go.
  • Current Music
    rushing thoughts

Regrets

I hear music in my head all the time. Beautiful melodies and harmonies. I hear them, but I cannot make them real because the only instrument I ever played was the flute, and even that I never got good enough at to be able to put notes down on paper...

It's kind of depressing. I wish I'd learned how to play the piano or the guitar when I was younger.. I dunno if I'll ever get around to it now. As an adult it is so much harder to learn anything... but I wanna make my music real. I guess I regret not finding the time or pushing to learn those things.

I guess what bothers me the most is that both of my older cousins had lessons in pretty much whatever they wanted.. piano, guitar, bass, etc... They were both technically very good too.. and then they threw it away and never did anything with it.

I feel like I would have done something with it. Why does it seem like the world kind of orchestrates things that way... I mean, if my cousins had gone on to be musicians that would be one thing... if they'd taken what they'd been given and done something with it (and they had the talent) it would be much easier for me to take in stride... but they got something that I could have used and they didn't use it, while I was left wishing.

I wonder if they regret it. I wonder if they hear melodies and just don't care enough to put them to paper. I wonder if they will ever wish they had.


Why do we watch other people get the tools we need to make our dreams real, while they waste them?

It just sucks.
  • Current Music
    Some tune floating around in my head

Apparently I'm Selfish

Apparently I'm a selfish person. Apparently whenever I do anything for my mother, my motivation is purely self serving. I never do anything to be a nice person. I took care of my cousins kids for a month and a half because I'm selfish. (I've not yet figured out exactly what I got out of it, but surely there must have been something in it for me beyond lots of headaches and unneccesary expenses), I babysit for my mom only when its convenient for me (I've yet to figure out when exactly it is convenient for me to babysit for my mother but apparently she knows that my convenience is my only concern when I crawl into her uncomfortable roll-out bed in her living room rather than snuggle in the comfort of my air mattress in the privacy of my bedroom in order to watch her children at fuck me its so friggin early in the morning so she can go to her doctors appointments for this mysterious illness that suddenly took hold as soon as I got to texas.)

Apparently I'm just like my selfish bitch aunt, who only thinks of what's in it for her. Beyond watching my dog twice I can't figure out what the hell I've asked my mother for. Yeah, she gave me her hand me down furniture and washer and dryer (which she was going to put in the trash and OFFERED me, I didn't ask for it) and she helped me move into my new apartment (which wouldn't have been nearly as difficult if I hadn't had two children that weren't mine in tow at the time, or the furniture she gave me)


She was also kind enough to babysit the kids that weren't mine on a couple of occasions. Did I mention she is the one who asked if I would be willing to take care of them in the first place? Not that I had to or anything, but ya know, it was a nice thing to do... But then again, I'm a selfish bitch so I don't do nice things.


Of course, I also came down here right after my second semester of college let out, dropped everything on the spot because she needed me RIGHT THAT MOMENT, sat in an airport all fucking night to catch a flight on standby to save her money, and flew down to texas. I told her before she even flew me down that I needed to be back two and a half weeks later for a concert. But when I got back, I packed all my shit and drove down to texas. It isn't my fucking fault she gave birth the day before I got there and had to have a friend watch her kids. Just like it isn't my fault that three nights ago, when my sister had a complete breakdown because our mother is a hardass bitch who yells and screams and says hurtful things whenever we don't do exactly what she wants, I had no ability to stay at her house to watch her children. I offered to take them back to my house with me, but that wasn't good enough. And apparently, because I wouldn't do things exactly the way she wanted me to, I'm a selfish bitch.


She would have had to have a friend watch her kids if I hadn't been in Texas. She would have had to have a friend watch her kids if I had been gone. What if my husband were on r and r? Would she have expected me to watch her kids then? Can she blame me for not doing it when I move back out of state? If not, living far away from her is sounding better and better. I like being able to see my siblings, but its not worth being expected to be at her beck and call everytime she needs a babysitter. If that is why I was put on this earth, to be my mother's on-call babysitter unallowed to have my own life because it might interfere with her self-inflicted emergencies, then god help me I'm not sure I wanna be here.


I'm sure I went out of my way stopping by the shoppette on her request when I was beyond fucking exhausted to get her dish soap and bring it to her house because it suited my convenience.

Because everything I do I do for me, right? Right???




Fuck you, mom.

The next time you talk to me, it had better be to apologize for being a shitty mother and walking all over your children because if its for anything else, you'll a taste of your own medicine when I hang up on you.

Day 200 of One Excruciating Torture, Day 1 of Another

So.. today marks 200 days since I've seen my husband anywhere other than on a computer screen. 200 days since he hugged me.. kissed me.. or did anything else remotely fun with me that didn't involve text based communication and webcams.

It's been a long 200 days. I miss him like hell. I see where this deployment has helped our relationship, and it has... but it has also hurt like hell. I think we'd have been fine without it, though I do believe more firmly now that absence does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder. Seriously though, two or three months would have been more than enough. We have reached the point where we aren't really reaping anymore benefits from the constant stream of nothing but communication. There *is* such a thing as having too much time to talk and no ability to do anything else. I'd say we'd have been at this point a lot sooner if I had left Alaska sooner, too... I think the change in scenery and environment has done a lot to improve my mood, which has done a lot to improve the quality of our communication... but there is still that issue of quantity. I'm honestly sick of doing nothing other than talking. I want him here. I know it is hard to believe coming from me, the worlds biggest chatterbox, but I would give anything for sitting in silence and enjoying each others company... just snuggling and watching a movie or something. Seriously, all I want is to be held... and yeah, my friends have definitely been quite generous with their affection in an attempt to make me feel better and oh god do I appreciate it but nothing is quite the same as the way he holds me. My whole world feels right when he holds me. I feel safe and cared for and like I am right where I belong and I fucking miss that.

So... 200 days down and hopefully only about 165 more to go, assuming the bastards in DC dont decide I can live without him for an extra three months. Maybe if they actually valued their spouses, rather than having their perfect media wife and five mistresses on the side who satisfied their other needs, they'd understand how hard it is to live without that one person who completes you. Maybe then they wouldn't be so fine with the idea of making me do it for so long.. but they're heartless greedy power hungry pieces of shit so of course they don't get it.


But, I also started a new torture today, which may take my mind off of the next 5.5 months or so of missing him... I went to the gym... and now I am sore in places I didn't know existed. I am proud of myself.. I am also glad there is someone who will kick my ass and make me do it because God knows I really want to, I just don't have the self-motivation to work myself to the point of exhaustion three days a week. My job is to get myself to the gym.. and thankfully once I get there, I am following orders and being pushed... I don't have to think about it once I get there. I just have to do what I am told.

On that note, does anyone know what can be done when your legs are too sore to move? Seriously, trying to lift them up they feel like weak puddles of jello.. is that normal?
  • Current Music
    The Fray - You Found Me

Tomorrow

I will not let them drive me insane.

I will not bite the insides of my cheeks because of the sheer frustration.

I will try to be nicer to them and try to understand that they are going through as difficult a time as I am, if not moreso.

I will hold them, instead of yelling at them, when they cry for no apparent reason.

I will let them have that brownie, even when they whine at me that they want a spoon to eat it (but I won't give them the spoon.. I just wont take away the brownie)

I still won't give them anything they whine for... but rather than getting upset at the whining, I'll remind them to ask nicely.

I won't scream.

I won't want to cry because it's all too much to deal with.

I will try to see the world through their eyes.



If I accomplish even half of these things, tomorrow will be a much better day than today. How sad is that?
  • Current Mood
    indescribable indescribable

Welcome to the great place........ NOT!

So.. a policy change has taken place since the last time I was at Ft. Hood. Now, whenever you enter the gate, the security guard who checks your ID says, "welcome to the great place."


Which is stupid. "Welcome to Fort Hood," would make sense. "Welcome to the largest military installation in North America" while a mouthful, would also make sense (It is double-speak for the largest amount of bullshit bureaucracy and idiotic policy making per square mile on the face of this earth).. but, "The great place"?

Nothing about this place is great. This would be the last place I'd ever pick to live if I didnt need to be both near family and near a military base. Well.. the last place other than Fairbanks Alaska... But, still.. I just think that its stupid.


Whichever general decided to make them say that.. for future reference.. you're a moron. This place isn't great. It is a self-contained breeding ground for depression populated by about 40% children, 35% soldiers, 5% lonely, depressed women, another 5% of women who are happily existing with their husbands still here, and 20% tag chasing whores who will take every cent that their husbands make while they are deployed to some god-forsaken warzone and disappear.

Welcome to the great place my ass.

Anchorage is friendly to transportation impaired people.

Moving is exhausting.

I dropped my car off to be shipped yesterday.. leaving me with no vehicle for a whopping three days here in Alaska.

Which doesn't seem so bad, right? I mean.. three days isnt long.. theoretically I should have been fine and not really needed to go anywhere for three days, right?

Wrong. My puppy picked yesterday to destroy the sound cord for my computer. Unfortunately, sound is pretty much necessary for me right now since I voice chat with my husband and use it for ventrillo for my WoW raids.

I also needed paper towels, because I was out and the puppy unfortunately does not stop making messes just because I am out of paper towels and have no car.

I also needed some more tape to tape up the box I've gotta ship right before I leave...

I *also* didn't need, but wanted, puppy shampoo to give the little monster a bath before we leave.

So.. there were a few things worth making the thirty minute trek in the snow to the grocery store for. Not too bad, right? Well.. it was also STILL snowing. The wind was also ridiculous.. and, to top it all off, this isnt just snow.. its negative temperatures.. it's hypothermic conditions, under the right circumstances...


So when I got to the grocery store I went ahead and asked about bus routes and found out I could catch one right across the street for $1.75 that would put me about two blocks from my apartment, a five to ten minute walk at most, as opposed to thirty... I decided it was worth it.

I hadn't been on anchorage city buses before, though I heard Anchorage had a pretty good public transportation system (a few colleges + weather that makes walking to most places a little more difficult than your average city kind of makes it necessary)

I will say this.. the bus was neither scary, nor smelly... which is much better than any experience I'd had in Cincinnati (about the only other place where I'd ever used public transportation, with exception to school buses and two subway trips in Washington DC, which is a completely different story for another time)

So... Anchorage Public Transportation FOR THE WIN!

Oh.. and if anyone in the city department that governs the roadways is listening, the crosswalk across northern lights on the side that turns into benson nearest the bus stop is broken. Just thought you should know.



This experience has been brought to you by me moving and my car having to leave three days before me.

- Rosa

So... A lot to write about

I haven't written since right before my anniversary and birthday...


Basically, the last few months have sucked.

I wish my husband were here... It would mean a lot fewer lonely days, and a lot less crying, and a lot less stress, and a lot more happiness. I know things aren't perfect between us, and they probably never will be.. that's marriage. I definitely know I'm happier with him than without him, though.. And it's perhaps the most unbiased way for me to find out, because I have everything I'd have if he were here except for him.. and I'd gladly give up all the material comfort he gives me just to have him here with me.

I hope our new president ends this clusterfuck we've got going on in the middle east so I can have him home with me.

I am moving back down to Texas for a few months so I can at least be around some of the people I care about. He's also getting his R&R in a few months.... but whoever told me this gets easier was full of shit. I just get better at dealing with it, internalizing it, and not letting it interfere with the average day... but I see the side effects of the stress coming out in other places. I lose everything, all the time... I know my memory is failing me, constantly...not just losing things, but forgetting numbers I've had memorized for *years*, forgetting directions, which I never used to do.. My back hurts all the time, I'm always tired... and yeah, I may be able to put on a smile and pretend it is all okay, but these things tell me that it is not. I feel like a nervous breakdown just waiting to happen sometimes.

Maybe this is easy for some women. Maybe those women are stronger than me, or not as dependent as me.. and may it is a bad thing for them, or maybe it is not. It may vary from case to case.. human beings are different from each other.

So, anyway, I'm done packing and getting ready to move (again) and I am just sitting here playing World of Warcraft for the most part.



On a side note, and this is waayyy off from everything else I've said and sort of pointless but...

I just saw another little thing about britney spears, and as much as I don't really care, I did listen to a lot of her CDs when I was younger and I kinda liked her, although I never cared for her as much as I did Christina Aguilera but... nonetheless... leave the poor girl alone. If being rich and famous were all that great, rich and famous people wouldn't be so screwed up most of the time. Consider this.. from the time she was 12 or so (Mickey Mouse Club and all that) she was a pop icon.. from the time she was 16 until she was about 21, she was not just a sex symbol.. she was THE sex symbol.. it seems nice but not when every moment of your life is caught on camera, including the incredibly embarrassing ones. We all have our moments when we wish we could crawl into a hole and just hide until everyone forgets what we just did... ALL of us, even the shameless ones. Imagine those moments being caught either by photograph or video and broadcast all over the world and brought up every time your name was mentioned.. imagine *everyone* knowing about it, instead of just whoever happened to be around at the time.

As for her mothering skills, I've seen mothers who were many times worse than she is who no one *ever* called out on it.. At least she can provide for her children. I doubt her kids have ever gone hungry... and I doubt they lack clothing, and definitely not shelter... No, I don't think that those should be the standard for caring for children, but I think if we're going to raise the bar for one person we ought to make it our personal goal to see to it that every child gets even half of what hers do... I mean come on, we drive her to a nervous breakdown then giggle over all the signs that it is starting to get to her?

Like I said, I don't particularly care for her.. but I think life in the public eye is harsh on anyone, especially people who grew up in it. Just leave her alone.
  • Current Music
    Aaliyah - Rock The Boat

Pros, cons, and interesting thoughts about living in Alaska.

So a lot of people have asked me what I think about living in Alaska. It is a hard question to answer briefly, so for those of you who chose the, "long answer," here goes.

Pros:

Shopping in the winter is a pain, but if you want to shop for a whole month during the coldest part of the winter (so you don't have to leave the house, duh!) and you don't have a big enough fridge/freezer for a month of food, you can always throw whatever can be safely frozen into a big cooler outside.

In Anchorage, the mountains are gorgeous, year round. In fact, so are the ones in Denali.

In the summer, you can go to Denali.. and it is seriously one of the most gorgeous places you'll ever see.

You can also go to Seward, which, much like Denali, is gorgeous. It's a little more expensive, but...


Tell me getting to take a picture like that doesn't make it worth it.


There are electrical outlets EVERYWHERE you go. (I'll explain why in a second). Meaning if you are out and your cell phone, laptop, or other rechargeable electric device is dead, you can charge it.

There are a few "fun" things to do during the winter. I'll let you know when I get around to bundling up enough to go do one.

Sled dogs are cool. And cute.

I live 10 minutes from the, "North Pole."

I could theoretically have a pet reindeer here.

I can see the Aurora Borealis occasionally, on a clear night.




Cons:

It's fucking cold.

A lot of the housing you can rent here won't allow you to have pets (so no pet reindeer for me :( So sad.) If they will, it's probably too expensive to afford.

Fairbanks has no mall. Well.. they have something they call a mall.. but there are STRIP MALLS back home that are bigger. Anchorage is a little better, they have two fairly large malls.. but that is six hours away in the summer, and more like 12 during the winter, and dangerous to drive.

Unlike most states in the lower 48 (that's what we call you folks in the continental United States.. because yes, you're below us :P) you can't get into a club or a bar until you are 21 or over. If you're old, it doesn't matter.. but even if you're 21, if you have 20, 19, or 18 year old friends, it sucks. And if you're like my husband, and over 21, but married to someone younger than 21.. it sucks some more. And if you're like me, and not turning 21 for another 11 days (yeah, that's right, my birthday is coming up) it bites pretty bad too. And I am pretty bummed that my 18 year old friend won't be able to come be my designated driver on my 21st birthday too. It is the lamest thing ever.

Did I mention it is really fucking cold here? I think I did, but allow me to explain a little better. When you think cold, you're probably not thinking about the -60 cold in Fairbanks, or the -20 in Anchorage. That is about as bad as it gets, and it's not that year round, or even for huge chunks of the time.. but seriously, three days of -60 weather is pretty bad. And -50 isn't much better, nor is -40, -30, or -20. Honestly, once you start getting into the negatives, it all pretty much sucks.

I have to plug in my car so it won't freeze overnight, or while I am at work, (that is why there are electrical outlets all over) and when it is cold enough that you have to do that, the extra 5 minutes spent outside is really quite painful.

If you don't wear the proper winter gear, you can get contact frostbite just from touching things that have been outdoors for a significant period of time. You can even get hurt through your clothing if you lean against something that cold long enough.

You drive on snow. And I don't mean nice, soft, powdery snow. I mean snow that has been hard-packed into something about as slippery as ice. Granted, they salt it and throw down tons and tons of sand to give you traction.. but it is still VERY easy to end up in a ditch.

Everything is more expensive here. I mean EVERYTHING. It is incredibly expensive to ship to Alaska, and the cost, of course, gets passed on to the consumer. So I pay more for groceries, clothing, furniture, other household goods, and services than anyone in the lower 48 would.




So there are the pros and cons.. here we go with the interesting thoughts.


Everyone asks me what I think of Sarah Palin now, because I'm in Alaska, and she is our governor. So since you asked, here you go. I think she is a nimrod. She is to Alaska what George Bush is to Texas, an embarrassment. The idea of her being one heartbeat from the presidency scares me shitless. If you say, "but she is a woman, shouldn't you be rooting for the one who is going to further the feminist agenda?" expect me to smack you. If you think I should choose the next leader of my country, and the next person in control of my husband's fate, based on sex, race, religion, or any other unimportant characteristic, you obviously do not know me at all.


We have a lot of specialty clothing stores up here. They cater to the unique needs of Alaskan residents. My boots are rated to -40 degrees Fahrenheit.. I could get them rated lower, but if it is below -40, I'm probably going to avoid leaving the house anyway. They do keep my feet toasty warm, and the other winter gear I have does a good job of keeping my body warm. The only problem is that it takes forever to layer and bundle up enough to leave the house when it gets really cold.. which is why I became a World of Warcraft addict.


If you're coming to Alaska, bring a nice camera. I mean it. You'll hate yourself if you don't.


I've never seen a polar bear. I probably never will.. If I do, I will let you all know, though, I am sure. I'll probably take a picture and send it to everyone I know.

No, it isn't dark 24/7 in the winter, or light 24/7 in the summer. It's really really close at some points, but there is always sunshine, if only for an hour or two, in the winter, and there is always a dusky/dark period of time in the summer. I guess there is a place further north where it is actually completely dark/completely light during parts of the year, but Fairbanks is the northernmost "city," (as opposed to a town, village, etc) and we don't quite have that extreme.

I can carry a concealed weapon in Alaska. I can carry it anywhere I want, pretty much, and I don't need a license for it. I am not sure what I think of this, which is why it is neither in the pros section nor the cons section.





I guess if I had to sum up my opinion of Alaska in one sentence, the old saying, "It's a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there," captures my feelings fairly well. I could deal with Anchorage, but I've been in Fairbanks for most of the time I've been here and it's a little on the dull side. I could see myself in Anchorage because it is way more beautiful, way less remote, and it doesn't get anywhere near as cold. They call this place "squarebanks" for a reason though.